Welcome to THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat Page Two. I'm big, I'm fat, watch me bulge some more.
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/ 7 Esteem
We've all seen those "My child's an honor student at Gordon B. Golly Elementary" bumper stickers. Well, don't you agree this is an idea waiting to be taken further. Yes, it's time proud parents turned it up a notch and started bragging to random traffic about all those other "achievements" in their children's lives.
The next round of congratulatory bumper stickers
My child can friggin' whistle
My child has arms
My child ran to and fro in the backyard
My child calls his grandfather Uncle Charlie
My child breathes in and out regularly and can lick himself clean
My child only wets his bed because we want him to
My child loves eggs
My child has remarkable boogers-- he saves them up and we send them out with our yearly brag letter at Christmas
Research proves that as much as 40% of body heat can be lost through one's head. -Wittmann Textiles
The Pennsylvania Dutch children are wise in eating violet blossoms, for these tasty little flowers are three times as rich in vitamin C as oranges. -Euell Gibbons in Stalking the Healthful Herbs (Field Guide Edition)
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. -Eric Hoffer
Rose-quartz is semi-transparent with a greasy luster. -Max Bauer in Precious Stones, 1904.
Soybean oil, mustard, water, honey, egg yolks, sugar, salt, vinegar, dehydrated onions, dehydrated garlic, potassium disodium, spice, lime juice concentrate, calcium sorbate. -Fancy Sauce
It's like I used to tell my barber. Shave and a haircut but don't cut my throat. -Casey Stengel
Fat girl, fat girl-- Daddy's little fat girl. You know, before much longer you'll be a fat woman. And soon you'll be able to take your clothes off and stand naked before the world and scare people. Yes, soon you'll join the ranks of the adult fat people. Fat people like your mother. But for now enjoy the time you have left as a girl, as Daddy's little fat girl. Daddy's little 500 pound fourteen year old. -Daddy's Heavy Problems
Whore, ho', who', ho. I get confused. -Anonymous
Wouldn't it be nice if the fools of this world actually knew they were fools. Yes, that would be nice. The problem is most fools never recognize themselves as the silly nabobs they really are. That is, not without a little help. So, as a public service, we present a self-diagnostic any fool can use.
You know you're a big fat fool if
you believe it's better to light one candle than to curse The Today Show
you bet somebody that Vernon Presley was a Pip when you found out The King's mother was named Gladys
you think lions and tigers gave a shit about Marlin Perkins
you confuse the four food groups with the Dave Clark Five and confuse Dick Clark with your bitch mother-in-law
you're convinced you can get more out of life by beech wood aging your sox
you question authority, but never chicken nuggets
you think the left one is a big tit, the right one is a big boob and the one in the middle is paradise
you've made up your mind-- Dial-A-Prayer may be free, but their thin crust sucks and they're cheap on the cheese
you believe it's butter when it's really your neighbor Barbara
We put our heads together to finally answer an important question that has lingered and lingered. Unfortunately, the best we could do was just narrow the field a bit. Here are our best guesses as to
Who wrote the book of love?
The U. S. Dept. of Step Ladders
Freddy Nesterfeld (from 5th grade)
That fat ugly pig Judy (from 5th grade)
Don Diego de la Vega
A bitch in heat
Crackle, with help from Snap
Dr. Koop's son, young Doctor Koop
The babe you took on aisle 5 of the Shop and Pop
That jerk who called the store manager
Underwriters Laboratory during "Anything Goes Week"
There are things worse than being a Big Phat Smitty. Not many, but some. Let us share them.
Worse than being a Big Phat Smitty
being a big phat blue tinted nasty boy, a bad boy bastard so cheap and cruel you gave your girlfriend a gumball and called it Christmas
being a big phat girly girl, a girly girl so phat and sticky your thighs affect commodity markets and the flab on your neck has its own bible store
being a big phat anytime slut, an anytime slut so soaking wet easy fry cooks qualify as men in uniform and rich guys are anyone with pretzels
being a big phat mama bitch, a mama bitch so phat and shiny your ass can't fit a government warehouse and your tits have their own smoke alarms
being a big phat horny daddy, a daddy so horny you'd put on a snorkel and romance a sea pig
being a big phat glaze dipped Teen McQueen, a baroness of beauty so ugly even Granny runs
being a big phat baby hog, an ugly little piglet so mud covered monstrous Mama sticks you in a corner and feeds you with a slingshot
being a big phat five way slut, a five way slut so hot and nasty you'd rob your own refrigerator and do it with a ham bone
For many years now the world has wondered whether Elvis Presley is alive or dead. Like most sane individuals we figured Elvis was dead as a doornail. Recently, however, evidence has accumulated which suggests we might have been wrong. Be your own judge as you consider
Reasons why Elvis Presley may still be alive
Growing Ding Dong shortage
Mysterious "Hunk of Burning Love" homepage on AOL
Long hose from Dr. Pepper plant to back room at Graceland
Huge increase in fat kids
That one Elvis impersonator that's too damn good
Earth's orbit gradually becoming askew
More and more "lookers" getting "lost" at Elvis Museum
Uninterrupted Let's Play Sheriff subscription addressed to E. Presley
I get the strong feeling your daughter's a banana
I sense you were never born, but rather fell from the sky like a rabbit. This occurred either last Tuesday or when you were seven or eight.
My take on your sex life is you're uneasy parallel parking, and that because of this, you've lost out on a lot of lasagna, not to mention salad forks.
I see it very, very clearly-- you have an aunt named Newsweek and an uncle named Rat's Ass.
I'm going to go out on a limb with this one, I'll talk with you more when I get back.
Now, tell me if I'm wrong. You've devoted many days recently crying over a big loss in your life. You misplaced two of your three assholes.
I don't know about you, but I could go for some deep fried tater tots and a glass of fine wine.
Back to your sex life, let's see, you like it 10 or 12 times a day but only when it's raining or snowing and not without a car wax.
I know three things about your dog Darren. He gave you away at your wedding. He lied for you before a grand jury. He shits Cheese Doodles.
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Reviewed and/or updated 7/17/16
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