Welcome to THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat Page Two.  I'm big, I'm fat, watch me bulge some more.

TEETH MAKE ANYONE LOOK BETTER

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24 / 7  Esteem

We've all seen those "My child's an honor student at Gordon B. Golly Elementary" bumper stickers.  Well, don't you agree this is an idea waiting to be taken further. Yes, it's time proud parents turned it up a notch and started bragging to random traffic about all those other "achievements" in their children's lives. 

The next round of congratulatory bumper stickers   

My child can friggin' whistle

My child has arms

My child ran to and fro in the backyard

My child calls his grandfather Uncle Charlie

My child breathes in and out regularly and can lick himself clean

My child only wets his bed because we want him to

My child loves eggs

My child has remarkable boogers-- he saves them up and we send them out with our yearly brag letter at Christmas

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ISN'T IT TIME TO EAT RIGHT AT DO RIGHT?

Some crap we threw together

Research proves that as much as 40% of body heat can be lost through one's head. -Wittmann Textiles 

The Pennsylvania Dutch children are wise in eating violet blossoms, for these tasty little flowers are three times as rich in vitamin C as oranges. -Euell Gibbons in Stalking the Healthful Herbs (Field Guide Edition)

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. -Eric Hoffer

Rose-quartz is semi-transparent with a greasy luster.  -Max Bauer in Precious Stones, 1904. 

Soybean oil, mustard, water, honey, egg yolks, sugar, salt, vinegar, dehydrated onions, dehydrated garlic, potassium disodium, spice, lime juice concentrate, calcium sorbate.  -Fancy Sauce 

It's like I used to tell my barber.  Shave and a haircut but don't cut my throat. -Casey Stengel

Fat girl, fat girl-- Daddy's little fat girl.  You know, before much longer you'll be a fat woman.  And soon you'll be able to take your clothes off and stand naked before the world and scare people.  Yes, soon you'll join the ranks of the adult fat people.  Fat people like your mother.  But for now enjoy the time you have left as a girl, as Daddy's little fat girl.  Daddy's little 500 pound fourteen year old.  -Daddy's Heavy Problems

Whore, ho', who', ho.  I get confused. -Anonymous 

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ISN'T IT TIME TO EAT RIGHT AT DO RIGHT?

Brooklyn Brigitte 

Wouldn't it be nice if the fools of this world actually knew they were fools.  Yes, that would be nice.  The problem is most fools never recognize themselves as the silly nabobs they really are.  That is, not without a little help.  So, as a public service, we present a self-diagnostic any fool can use.

 

You know you're a big fat fool if

you believe it's better to light one candle than to curse The Today Show 

you bet somebody that Vernon Presley was a Pip when you found out The King's mother was named Gladys

you think lions and tigers gave a shit about Marlin Perkins

you confuse the four food groups with the Dave Clark Five and confuse Dick Clark with your bitch mother-in-law

you're convinced you can get more out of life by beech wood aging your sox

you question authority, but never chicken nuggets

you think the left one is a big tit, the right one is a big boob and the one in the middle is paradise

you've made up your mind-- Dial-A-Prayer may be free, but their thin crust sucks and they're cheap on the cheese

you believe it's butter when it's really your neighbor Barbara

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Wordsmith

We put our heads together to finally answer an important question that has lingered and lingered.  Unfortunately, the best we could do was just narrow the field a bit.  Here are our best guesses as to

 

Who wrote the book of love?

Father Pud

Father Johnson

Time-Life Books

The U. S. Dept. of Step Ladders 

Freddy Nesterfeld (from 5th grade)

That fat ugly pig Judy (from 5th grade)

Don Diego de la Vega

A bitch in heat

Crackle, with help from Snap

Dr. Koop's son, young Doctor Koop

The babe you took on aisle 5 of the Shop and Pop

That jerk who called the store manager

Underwriters Laboratory during "Anything Goes Week"

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CLAIM YOUR SHARE OF GOLD DOUBLOONS

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Badder Up

There are things worse than being a Big Phat Smitty.  Not many, but some.  Let us share them.

Worse than being a Big Phat Smitty

being a big phat blue tinted nasty boy, a bad boy bastard so cheap and cruel you gave your girlfriend a gumball and called it Christmas

being a big phat girly girl, a girly girl so phat and sticky your thighs affect commodity markets and the flab on your neck has its own bible store

being a big phat anytime slut, an anytime slut so soaking wet easy fry cooks qualify as men in uniform and rich guys are anyone with pretzels

being a big phat mama bitch, a mama bitch so phat and shiny your ass can't fit a government warehouse and your tits have their own smoke alarms

being a big phat horny daddy, a daddy so horny you'd put on a snorkel and romance a sea pig

being a big phat glaze dipped Teen McQueen, a baroness of beauty so ugly even Granny runs

being a big phat baby hog, an ugly little piglet so mud covered monstrous Mama sticks you in a corner and feeds you with a slingshot

being a big phat five way slut, a five way slut so hot and nasty you'd rob your own refrigerator and do it with a ham bone

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Big Fat Elvis

For many years now the world has wondered whether Elvis Presley is alive or dead.  Like most sane individuals we figured Elvis was dead as a doornail.  Recently, however, evidence has accumulated which suggests we might have been wrong.  Be your own judge as you consider 

 

Reasons why Elvis Presley may still be alive

Growing Ding Dong shortage

Mysterious "Hunk of Burning Love" homepage on AOL

Long hose from Dr. Pepper plant to back room at Graceland

Huge increase in fat kids

That one Elvis impersonator that's too damn good

Earth's orbit gradually becoming askew

More and more "lookers" getting "lost" at Elvis Museum

Uninterrupted  Let's Play Sheriff  subscription addressed to E. Presley

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Sometimes two heads (or at least two voices) are better than one.  With that in mind we bring you readings from the

PSYCHOTIC PSYCHIC

 

I get the strong feeling your daughter's a banana

I sense you were never born, but rather fell from the sky like a rabbit. This occurred either last Tuesday or when you were seven or eight. 

My take on your sex life is you're uneasy parallel parking, and that because of this, you've lost out on a lot of lasagna, not to mention salad forks. 

I see it very, very clearly-- you have an aunt named Newsweek and an uncle named Rat's Ass.

I'm going to go out on a limb with this one, I'll talk with you more when I get back.

Now, tell me if I'm wrong.  You've devoted many days recently crying over a big loss in your life.  You misplaced two of your three assholes.

I don't know about you, but I could go for some deep fried tater tots and a glass of fine wine. 

Back to your sex life, let's see, you like it 10 or 12 times a day but only when it's raining or snowing and not without a car wax. 

I know three things about your dog Darren.   He gave you away at your wedding.   He lied for you before a grand jury.   He shits Cheese Doodles.

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Midnight Throb   latest headlines

Giant cigarette lights teenager in high school restroom.......Talking beaver leads authorities to UFO base, gets zapped by aliens for betraying them.......Noah's Ark found in Chicago parking lot.......Chatty Kathy doll ties knot with French industrialist, swears this time it's real.......Ozark turkey lays alligator egg, sues fertility clinic.......Jesus to run for Congress.......Midget mermaid lives in woman's sink, helps with dishes.......Elvis had secret twin named Burp.......Fur tree impregnates 80 year old Canadian during storm, sonogram shows pinenuts.......Sun a hoax, really oversized lamp moved around by UN........

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  • Reviewed and/or updated 7/17/16

     

      2000-2016 TRBFJC

     

 

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