Why I genuinely despise Big Phat Smitty

First let me welcome you to Fat Cat Roundtable.  It's a forum for time-honored wisdom.  It's a venue for truth.  It's my own little "hey, how you".  With that out of the way let me explain why I genuinely despise Big Phat Smitty.  I don't want to beat around the bush: he's lame, he's a juicy watusi, his momma's got bark on her tits!  Don't forget to check back soon for another Fat Cat Roundtable.

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How I overcame my reservations and agreed to do this insipid column

First let me welcome you to Catfish Commentary.  It's a venue for the official views of the United Daughters of the Fountain, and as such it's a forum of truth for women everywhere.  Plus, it's my own little diatribe against filthy, stinking men.  That's right-- filthy, stinking men.  With that out of the way let me explain how I overcame my reservations and agreed to do this insipid column.

When THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat called and offered this space, I was very hesitant for a couple of reasons.  First, since I live in the UK I worried it would be impossible to maintain editorial control from such a long distance.  Second, while TRBFJC thoroughly abhors Big Phat Smitty,  I think they both suck.  Clearly, they're a couple of slimy, egotistical chauvinists (although it's worth noting they both have huge dicks).

After reflecting for thirty seconds I decided to go ahead and give it a try.  As part of the deal, TRBFJC said I could e-mail the columns.  This addresses both my concerns.  Using e-mail I will never have to look at or even talk to TRBFJC (much less Big Phat Smitty).   Additionally, since I have special, sisters-only United Daughters of the Fountain software on my computer every e-mail I send will be protected by the patented Lady Lock feature.  TRBFJC won't be able to tamper with one word of my copy because, take it from me, nothing can break a Lady Lock. 

So check back soon for another Catfish Commentary. 

Editors note: Raised on a Welsh cucumber farm, Pearl Cousteau is the founder and former head of the United Daughters of the Fountain, an organization dedicated to bridging the gap between farm gals and city women. Email Pearl

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Big Fat Brother   

Welcome to Big Fat Brother- home of the Big Fat interview.  Our guest this time around is none other than THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat himself. 

Big Fat Brother: Thanks for sitting down with us Joeycat.  I know how busy you are and that you're smack dab between booty calls.

THE REAL Big Fat Joeycat: Glad to be here Big Fat Brother.  You're my main man-- ain't worried about no booty call.  Glad to be here with my Big Fat Bro.  Just don't call me Joeycat.

BFB: Why's that?

TRBFJC: Well, as you know my real name is REAL Big Fat Dick, but I didn't want to use my real name on this website.

BFB: Oh.  

TRBFJC: Yeah, but, I'm having some serious second thoughts. This Joeycat thing is way lame.

BFB: So you're going drop Joeycat and rename the site?

TRBFJC: Probably.

BFB: To REAL Big Fat Dick.

TRBFJC: Probably not. I still don't want to use my real name. 

BFB: To what then?

TRBFJC: Well, I don't know at this point.  We've been thinking about several things.

BFB: Like what?

TRBFJC: Well, let's see.  REAL Big Fat Pussy.  That would keep the cat thing going. Or, REAL Big Fat Bitch. That would be move us to the dog thing.  Of course we've considered REAL Big Fat Britney Spears. That would move us to the cow thing.  I kind of like that though. You know, the sound of it-- REAL Big Fat Britney Spears.  Has a nice ring to it-- and we could include a picture-- a big fat lady picture-- a big fat Britney Spears with big fat tits big fat lady picture.  Wow!  But where would we get one of those?  Hmmmm.  Well, I'm sure we could find one somewhere.  We could get a big fat woman picture off the internet and doctor it up.  Or we could get a big fat baby picture and doctor that up.  Does a big fat baby have big fat tits though?  Well we'd just doctor it up more.  Hmmmm.  Why not?!  Hmmmm.  Of course we also thought of just naming the site after you.

BFB: Big Fat Brother?

TRBFJC: No, Big Fat Idiot. 

BFB: Very funny.

TRBFJC: Just kidding bro. Just kidding.  Although that might not be bad.  Big Fat Idiot.  Or maybe The REAL Big Fat Stupid Idiot. Hmmmm. 

BFB: Hate to bring up a sore subject, but what about your arch web rival Big Phat Smitty?  Will he change his name too?

TRBFJ: Hard to tell with that fool. He'd probably copy whatever we do. If we're The REAL Big Boobs, he'd be Really Big Boobs, or something like that. If we were The REAL Big Fat Britney Spears, he'd be Big Phat Britney Spears.  I don't know.  I'll tell you this though, I'm sick of thinking about him and his stinking crap.  Big Phat STINKING BITCH. That's what he is.

BFB: Well, I know how much you despise and abhor Big Phat Smitty.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see because we're out of time, and I know you've got that big booty call waiting.  Thanks so much for chatting with us REAL Big Fat Dick.

TRBFJC: Anytime bro. You're my main man.  My Big Fat Bro.  My Big Fat Idiot Bro.

BFB: Right on Big Fat Dick. Thanks again.

TRBFJC: Well, thank-you Big Fat Bro.

BFB: Ok, well that'll do it. Thanks.

TRBFJC: You know-- it's like I always say.  Red birds are red, blue birds are blue, and the few orange birds flying around, well they're orange.

BFB: Say what?!?!

TRBFJC: Orange.

BFB: Huh?!?!

TRBFJC: Orange.

BFB: Well, ok, thanks.

TRBFJC: Well, thank you.

BFB: Well, you're very welcome.

TRBFJC: Well, you're very welcome too, Big Fat Idiot Bro.

An acknowledged fake interviewer, Big Fat Brother is a 5th degree Booty Black Belt among other awsome credentials.

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